DEAR EDWARD
by Caisele
Summary: Dear Edward. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but you’re not supposed to end up with Bella… Oneshot. If you’ve got no sense of humor, DON’T READ.


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DEAR EDWARD**

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Dear Edward,

I'm not sure if you're aware, but you're not supposed to end up with Bella.

And this is why:

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**1. **Bella's actually not a human.

And I don't mean your kind of not-human. I mean she's a robot with two functions: sarcasm and angst. You don't want to deal with that for the rest of eternity, so you should really lose Miss Two-Dimensional-Failure-of-a-Character-Development-Attempt. I'm much more entertaining.

**2. **She's so not worth it.

You love her because she smells to you like how a Big Mac smells to me. But unlike me, you don't know how bad a Big Mac is for you. It has 540 calories (270 calories are from fat alone). There's 30 grams of fat, which is almost half of the fat you need to eat to maintain your weight, and most of that fat is saturated. And it has 42% of the sodium intake you require in a day. See what I mean? She's gonna kill you! Me, on the other hand, I am like a fresh fruit salad with a little whipped cream – sweet, colorful, and totally fun to eat.

**3. **She is also a cheater.

I'm pretty sure Bella was slutting around sometime and Nessie isn't really your daughter. Because, as you see, we learned in fifth grade sex ed that when a man really, really, _really_ loves a woman, blood fills his…thing, and it goes up, and the man and the woman rolls around in the bed and then _poof_ out comes the baby.

But you're a vampire. You _don't have_ blood. So despite what Ms. Meyers with her limited biological understanding tried to make us think, your thingy couldn't have gone up, and so you couldn't have impregnated Bella. Therefore, she cheated and you should dump her ASAP.

**4. **And if you didn't buy no. 3, here's another reason.

You've mentioned that when you became a vampire all your bodily functions froze (in a sense). So you don't use the bathroom, you don't sleep, and you don't need to breathe. I can also assume that your…erm…two little buddies that hang around Mr. Thingy wouldn't be making those little tadpoles that make up half of a baby. Sooo…again, you couldn't have possibly impregnated Bella. Thus, she cheated and you should ditch her for me (I don't mind if you're impotent, 'cause I'm not going to sleep with you…and you'll see why later – it's not because you smell, you really don't).

**5. **And if you didn't buy no. 4, I have evidence.

Rosalie loathed Bella at one point because Rosalie couldn't have a child. Why? Because she's a vampire and her body froze in time, thus she couldn't ovulate, thus she couldn't have a child (this was all explained in detail by Ms. Meyers). Therefore, you shouldn't be able to make tadpoles or expel white fluid from your lower parts; therefore you couldn't have impregnated Bella. Therefore, she cheated.

She's a cheater.

And I'm not.

**6. **She is a shallow poo-poo head.

Have you realized how much effort you put into going out of the way to save her from this and that, and how you love the way she walks and talks and whatever and the only thing you got back from her was her making whore eyes at you because you're hot? She thinks you're hot. And rich. And that's why she's with you. I'm sorry I had to break it to you but, dude, what were you thinking getting involved with that succubus?

**7. **She's a bitch.

And no, I don't mean it like that…oh, God, how do I explain this…?

You two are leading a very unhealthy relationship. She is obsessed with how gorgeous you are and because of this, she lost the ability to think for herself. She's become your bitch. You tell her to jump, and she jumps, you tell her to drink and to sit then wait for you so you can walk her home 'cause James might come out of nowhere and rip her head off, and she does it. She's the type of girl who's too obedient and weak-willed for her own good.

Have you realized how since she's met you her world has spun around you? Every other sentence in her narration is about you and how awesome you are and how she's ready to do anything you say. Do you seriously want that in a girl? I didn't think you were a radical male chauvinist, because seriously, girls like her are the reasons why it took so long for females to win some rights in this world. So, I think you should end the relationship, and keep her as a dog instead.

**8. **She's a bitch.

And, yeah, this time, I mean it that way.

My momma's always told my brother, "Women are the best actors in the world." When looking for a girlfriend, observe how she behaves around her friends and her enemies and just other people in general, and you'll get to know what kind of a person she really is.

So how does Bella behave around her friends? Wait, she doesn't have any…because she's a bitch. Seriously, can you name one person who's a friend of Bella's (who is not a Cullen)? None. Zero. Nada. Unless you count Jacob. But really, how did she treat him? When she first met him, she turned on her veela charms and flirted like a hooker on Main Street to get dirt on you and your family. When she got _nicer_, she was just using him, leading him on, playing with his feelings, so she can get some male attention when you went AWOL. And in the end, she crushed him. If it wasn't for that child (which is not yours), he would have thrown himself onto the highway and become a furry road kill.

What about the other people around her? If you observe how she treated Eric (like shit), and Mike (like shit), Jessica (like shit), her dad (like shit), and her mom (like stinky shit), you would know…that she's a bitch with a heart colder than Minsk in the middle of January.

So, take one for the team, and get rid of her.

**9. **She has some seriously twisted kinks.

You're dead, yes? Of course you are, because you're a vampire, so you're dead. And this is why I won't sleep with you. I don't screw dead people. Bella seems to have no problems with that at all. She didn't even question it in her head, and trust me, after spending four whole books in her head, I would have know if she brought up any moral objections to it, but _she didn't_. She's into necrophilia. Holy shit. That's gross.

Remember how, that one time, she mauled you time and pretty much demanded for you to screw her ('cause she didn't know you're impotent…hahahahaa). Every time she sees you (a walking corpse, no offense) she's like a bitch going into heat. _How_, in anyone's world, is that attractive?

Once, again, leave her and come to me. I'm going to be very honest right now and say that I have a spot in my living room, right beside the Greek columns, where you can stand and look pretty for the rest of eternity. I mean, that's pretty much what Bella wants you for anyway. At least I admit it.

So there you have it.

You should not have ended up with Bella, and God, I don't know what you were thinking but obviously, you need to check you head.

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Love you (but not in the Bella way) always,

_Caisele._

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(P.S. Go check on Nessie real quick right now. Though she's not your kid, I think you'd keep her anyway, so just go check and make sure that Jacob isn't doing anything illegal. I mean, the pedophilia is a bit of a given, but seriously, have you thought about the bestiality? Just saying.)

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**Caisele:**

Don't hate on me. If you can't get through this without wanting to rip out my heart and drink my blood then you've got serious issues. It's called humor.

I tore Twilight apart in my creative writing course today for my gorgeous A++ essay, and that was what inspired me to write this.

Thank you's to everyone who've got this far. I hope you enjoyed it.

_**Review!**_


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